Tuesday, July 14, 2009

How to annoy your labor and delivery nurse...

No job is without frustrations and annoyances. I have learned to laugh at the things that happen daily at my job. You gotta laugh to keep from pulling your hair out! So without further ado...

If you want to annoy your labor and delivery nurse...

Show up at labor and delivery without having even called your doctor first! Trust me, your doctor will "love" this too.

Call 911 and arrive by ambulance after having 1 contraction at home. (If you come in by ambulance, we are usually betting that you will either be holding a baby in your arms when you arrive or you'll be 1 cm/30/-4.

Approximately 15 seconds after you push that baby out, please by all means, ask "How much does she weigh? or How long is he?" (note:When you see scales or a measuring tape, this might be a good indicator of when to ask this question.)

Push your call light and when your nurse comes in the door, ask her to hand you something on the table right next to you.

Push your call light, when your nurse comes in, ask her for some ice, then when she comes back in the room, ask her for a spoon, then when she comes back with that, ask her for some socks, a toothbrush and some toothpaste. (Seriously, did you not think to bring a toothbrush to the hospital? You knew you'd be here for at least 2 days.)

Rate your pain a 10 out of 10 while lying in bed watching MTV and talking on the phone with a friend.

Please tell your mother and mother in law to coordinate schedules and alternate coming in every 7 minutes to ask the following questions...
"How are things going?" - Well about the same as 7 minutes ago.
"Has she dilated any more?" Well, we try not to do cervical exams every 5 minutes, you know that whole infection thing. If you want I can just keep my hand up there all day long so we'll know immediately when anything happens.
"When do you think the baby will be here?" Well if i knew that I'd be making a lot more money than I am right now.
"Can you come get me if anything changes?" Sure thing, if something happens, the first thing I'll do is walk away from my patient to come inform you.

Also, tell your whole family to stand behind me while I am charting and comment on the contractions and the baby's heart rate incessantly saying - "OOhhh, look at those contractions, wow they are big!" "Wow, that one went off the chart!" "Wow is the baby's heart rate supposed to be doing that? Should you call the doctor?" "How close together are the contractions?"

When you get nauseated and throw up, don't grab the bag/emesis basin I just gave you, just throw up in the bed or on the floor and then you and your whole family can watch me clean it up.

Tell me that you are uncomfortable and then you and your baby daddy proceed to lay there and watch while I struggle to move your deadweight epiduralized self into a "comfortable" position. Seriously people, it's called LABOR for a reason. It's not a day at the spa. This is especially "funny" when your nurse is pregnant.

When it's time to push and I ask "Dad" to help hold a leg, by all means, dare him to tell me no. First of all, I cannot hold both of your dead legs up and help you push at the same time. Second of all, he got you in this mess, it's the LEAST he can do.

Get your whole family to come stand at the desk, watch the strips from other rooms and start asking questions about other patients. Ever heard of HIPAA people??

Tell me you want to be "No information" and then don't tell your family what room you are in. Then get mad at us for not telling them you are here when they ask for you at the desk. What part of NO INFORMATION is not clear to you?

Get your family to go in and out of the after hours door to smoke (the one where we have to buzz them in) over and over and over again! And the button on the wall, just press it once, you don't have to lay on it like a horn. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

When I ask your family to go to the waiting room, tell them to just congregate in the hall right outside your door blocking the way to the OR.

Ok, that is all for now, I may add some later. These are all so funny because all these situations happen VERY frequently. You can ask any labor nurse and I guarantee she has encountered all these situations more than once. It really does start to become funny because everbody does and says the same things! I really do love my job though and can't imagine doing anything else!


annieck said...

Ha ha ha!!! This is hysterical! One of my best friends is a L&D nurse, and she has told me some wild stories. Don't know how you girls do it! I'm sure my patients would read my annoyance all over my face. :)

I feel better now. I didn't do any of those things, and I don't think my family did either. Whoo!
The first time around, though, my first nurse (before I went home, praise the Lord) seemed to be furious with me that I was going natural. She was so irritated. She asked me, as I was in the middle of painful contractions, if I was going to homeschool my child (seriously...I hadn't even had the baby yet). I told her 'no', and she said, "Well, you know he/she can't go to school without a hep b shot." At that point, I had to inform her of Alabama law.
Not only that, but she had some long fake nails that were incredibly painful when she would check me. My friend (the nurse) told me she's not supposed to have those. Maybe she put them on just for me. :)
Every other nurse that I've ever had has been SO awesome. I am so blessed to have had great nurses for every delivery.
Ok, sorry for the novel. Thanks for sharing and giving me a laugh!

Elaine said...

GOOD! I didn't do ANY of those :) God bless you woman for doing your job... and very well I might add.

Rachael said...

Whew...glad I don't do any of those! That is CRAZY...I can only imagine the stuff you encounter though!

Meg Walker said...

I was holding my breath while reading these, praying that I didn't just do any of them! :)
Thankfully, I'm in the clear.
I do want to thank you for helping my time at Brookwood to be so great. All of my nurses were just awesome, and I had such a great experience! Bless you for all that you do, day in and day out. This first-time mama is thankful for sweet nurses like you!!!

Allen and Stephanie Drew said...

that's hysterical. don't think i did any of those...though i probably did something because i didnt like my postpartum nurse. she was only nice and attentive when there was a room full of guy friends visiting allen. loved my labor and delivery nurse.

Corey said...

Those are great!!! I'm so glad I didn't do any of those!! Bless you for what you have to go through!! I have always said that it takes a very special person to be a nurse, and now I think especially labor and delivery nurses! Thanks for all you do!!

The Hoppers said...

I am safe too! Although I didn't know I was supposed to call my doctor when I thought I was in labor. I was induced with Lawson. And they never told me that anyway. So I call my doctor and she tells me if I am in labor? I guess I should check with them on Friday.:) Lawson was a good leg holder! And if my parents and in-laws asked these questions, I apologize.:)

Ole Miss Mom said...

I'll make some mental notes....I don't think I've done any of those things...but sometimes you're too drugged up to remember how you acted!! I bet you have some GREAT stories!!

Kat said...

These are hilarious! I bet you could write a book about some of the ridiculous stunts people have pulled.